So Saturday night before leaving my apartment, I go to my TV to DVR Sunday afternoon’s Laker game. I do this even though my whole Sunday is set up to be on my couch way before the Laker game begins(need some time to mentally prepare). Why do I need to DVR the game if I know I’m going to be watching it live? Because I’m a freak, and who knows what can happen in those in-between hours that may, although its 10,000-1, lead to me not being home in time for tip-off. Back to Saturday night. I go to the guide on my TV and search for 2:30 Sunday afternoon, obviously expecting to find the 30 minute pre-game and then “Lakers/Nuggets Game 1” at 3:00. Instead, at 2:00, on ABC, the same ABC that is supposed to have the game, the following is listed: ‘Papal Mass at Yankee Stadium’. Confused, I assume there’s an error, so I DVR the ‘Papal Mass’ from 2:00 to 6:00 (also extended it an hour in case the Laker game went into OT-I’m a pro), and go out for the night. No unforeseen events occur and I find myself on schedule to be in front of the TV on Sunday, so the DVR thing is a non-issue. However, it dawns on me that if this ‘Papal Mass’ thing is actually on at 2:00, then where will I find the Laker game. So 2:00 rolls around and I go to ABC, and sure enough, there’s a f#*ckin ‘Papal Mass’ on the screen. (I don’t know why I keep putting ‘Papal Mass’ in quotes. I don’t even know what a ‘Papal Mass’ is. I think I had one on my ass once. Or I may have given it to a girl in Mexico last week. The only thing I know about the ‘Papal Mass’ in question is that it’s on my television, and I need it to go away immediately, or someone may get hurt.) I call my boy Schac who recently moved from New York to Milwaukee(he’s seen Charlie Villanueva around town a couple times, so that’s cool) as he is someone who would have a rational depiction of the situation and possibly an answer that I’m looking for. He tells me he heard that the Laker game will be on ESPN2 in New York, but since I have DirecTV, which isn’t geographically targeted like a Time Warner, I may be screwed. My heart rate jumps, reminding me of the time I smoked my first blunt of ‘Papal Mass’.
I call a local sports bar:
Me: “Are you showing the Laker game at 3:00?”
Chick on the phone: “Of course we are.”
Me: “What channel are you showing it on? Because there’s a ‘Papal Mass’ (cant recall if I made air quotes when I said it) on ABC where the Laker game is supposed to be.
Chick: “Hold on please.”
Me: (holding…wondering if the chick on the other end of the call is the hot one I saw at this place the one time I was there…holding…holding)
Chick: “Umm, we can’t seem to find the game anywhere. We think that unless TNT picks it up, it’s not gonna be on.”
Me: (hang up, sweating)
It’s now about 2:28PM, and I turn to ESPN2 and hear the pompous British dickhead tennis analyst say something to the effect of, ‘if you want to see the end of this match, turn to ESPN Classic at 2:30’, leading me to believe that the game will be coming on then. Cool.
2:30 comes, and I still see Serena Williams on ESPN2.
Now I’m legitimately scared. No, not of Serena, but the fact that the LAKER GAME MAY NOT BE ON TV. I panic. I decide to channel up to ESPN Classic thinking the tennis dick was wrong. On the way I see AI and Melo, and an ABC intro for the game. It ended up being on ESPN Alternate (channel 210). Disaster of monumental proportions avoided. ESPN Alternate, which I don’t think I’ve ever watched before, doesn’t come in HD. Great.
Now that I know I’ll be able to watch the Laker game, I relax, and the thought of the hot girl from the sports bar I called pops into my head. I call the sports bar back and let them know that the Laker game is on channel 210. I help people, it’s what I do. Now if I ever go back to that bar, and the hot chick is there, I have an opener ready to go. Always thinking.
By the way, between 3:00 and 3:30 I received no less than 5 texts/calls from people asking me where the Laker game is.
What a joke. Who is responsible for this? Someone needs to be fired immediately.