From The Sphincter (Fantasy Football)

“I’ve got a feeling in my bones.”
“I’m going with my gut.”
“Gotta follow my heart here.”

I’m tired of all those statements, so here are thoughts and predictions for the upcoming fantasy football season I’m pulling out of my ass:

Aaron Rodgers will finish as the #1 QB, but I’ll still draft Tom Brady ahead of him because of the upside potential

Darren McFadden and Michael Bush will both finish as top-20 RBs

DeAngelo Williams (a.k.a. Brown Sugar) was not a fluke and will finish top-5 again

I prefer the older RBs over the young guns. Give me Frank Gore/Steven Jackson/Brian Westbrook/LaDainian Tomlinson over Matt Forte/Chris Johnson/Steve Slaton

I think Slaton is the big 1st round bust this year

Adrian Peterson should be the first pick in every draft. People trying to argue Maurice Jones-Drew in PPR (points per reception) and Michael Turner non-PPR are wrong. ADP has the highest ceiling and the highest floor, not to mention he’s the one with the greatest chance to do something historic

Legedu Naanee. I just love his name. Say it out loud. I promise it will be better than whatever else you were about to do in the next 2 seconds.

Slough TEs this year. There are 12 that are quality in my mind. I’d be happy with any of them, and besides them I like a few later guys with upside like Todd Heap, Tony Scheffler, Jared Cook, and Jermichael Finley

Can anyone use ’slough’ in a sentence not related to fantasy? Or is it in the ‘ensuing’ family as real words that you only hear used in relation to football?

Kellen Winslow will reemerge and take his rightful place as a top-5 TE

Don’t worry about the fact that Knowshon Moreno hasn’t played much. They drafted him 12th because they want him to play. They’ll give him every chance to succeed and he’ll be a top-15 RB (Knowshon’s name is a combination of his father’s nickname, Knowledge, and his mothers nickname, Varashon. You’re welcome.)

I won’t be drafting any Buffalo Bills

Anthony Gonzalez will catch 90+ balls and have a better season then Reggie Wayne

The Pats are coming off a season where they lost their leader, went 11-5, and missed the playoffs. That came after going undefeated in the previous season and losing in the super bowl. They have a chip on their shoulder and have something to prove. Bottom line-draft Patriots

Jason Witten will break the record for most receptions by a TE in a season (102) but will still finish 2nd in fantasy points to Dallas Clark

Don’t make too much out of Braylon Edwards’ dropped passes. Cleveland is a bad team, they’ll be playing from behind and be forced to throw, no Kellen Winslow anymore, and no real weapons other than Braylon. They will get him the ball

Weird to say, but I can envision scenarios where any one of the Bengals’ skill position players (Carson Palmer/Cedric Benson/Chad Ochocinco/Laveranues Coles/Chris Henry) end up on one of my rosters

Don’t sleep on the veteran WRs. They consistently provide value. I’ve made a habit of picking up guys who are supposedly past their primes late in drafts and it almost always pays off. This crew includes Hines Ward/Derrick Mason/Donald Driver/Laveranues Coles/Joey Galloway/Muhsin Muhammad/Isaac Bruce

I think Edgerrin James takes over as the lead RB in Seattle pretty quickly and becomes a solid RB3/Flex option

Miles Austin will become the #1 WR on Dallas

Roddy White will finish as #2 WR behind only Randy Moss

If I don’t get one of the big 4 QBs(Tom Brady/Aaron Rodgers/Drew Brees/Peyton Manning) I will be targeting Matt Schaub. He’s one of the best QBs in the league on a per game basis, still only 28yrs old and not much mileage (was Vick’s backup—nice trade Atlanta). He has weapons all over the field and I think he enters the elite class of QBs this year

Guys who will out perform their average draft position (therefore I’ll be targeting on draft day):

Quarterbacks
David Garrard/Matt Hasselbeck/Kyle Orton

Running Backs
Leon Washington/Ray Rice/Rashard Mendenhall/Ahmad Bradshaw/Michael Bush/Ladell Betts/Edgerrin James/Knowshon Moreno

Wide Receivers
Davone Bess/Nate Burleson/Josh Morgan/Laurent Robinson/Miles Austin/Chaz Schillens/Lance Moore/Mike Walker/Percy Harvin/Chris Henry

Tight Ends
Visanthe Schiancoe/Todd Heap/Tony Scheffler

Guys that most likely won’t be on any of my teams:

Ronnie Brown/Santonio Holmes/Kurt Warner/Roy Williams/Clinton Portis/Chris Chambers/Matt Cassell/Jonathan Stewart/Larry Johnson/Steve Slaton/Sidney Rice/Terrell Owens/Derrick Ward

‘Coma’ guys (players who are such deep sleepers they’re in a coma)

Matt Leinart QB-Cardinals
James Davis RB-Browns
Bernard Scott RB-Bengals
Danny Ware RB-Giants
Mike Goodson RB-Panthers
Mike Bell RB-Saints
Mike Furrey WR-Browns
Pierre Garcon WR-Colts
Jermichael Finley TE-Packers
Jared Cook TE-Titans